why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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