no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
