I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
