Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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