Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize