i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
