come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
