you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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