Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
