dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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