I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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