I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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