pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
