Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i am craving dick and cupcakes
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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