My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
