I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
