Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
