I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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