you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
