when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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