There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize