hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
