I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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