someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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