i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
