Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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