I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Are my feet made of real feet?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
