I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
