Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
