What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
