god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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