I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the condom got lost in my hair
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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