That's when you crack a 10am beer
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
