He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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