Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
