I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
