so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
