Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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