This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
