If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
