I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
