you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
