I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
