If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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