Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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