I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How's work?
Spinning.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
