saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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