sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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