Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
