3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
