What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
