:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
