At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i love accidental penises.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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