I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
