I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Terrible idea I love it
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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