Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
