he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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