there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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