I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize