i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
